Serotonin and Oxytocin with a dash of MECE and Inner Theatre!

It is 2 am. There is lot of work. I am not well and I can’t sleep. Perfect conditions for my brain to bring out all its torturous thoughts.

I have taken a course called neuroscience and consumer behaviour and thanks to my new gained knowledge, while the heart laments and keeps conjuring all possible hurt giving scenarios, my reflective brain (part of the brain that is responsible for rationality) is thinking of how low my serotonin levels would be. For the uninitiated, low serotonin levels are responsible for causing depression, emotional instability and like. It further takes a MECE approach to do a root cause analysis of what primal optimisation goal is it (my brain) (brain thinking about brain – inception much :o) trying to achieve. I realise that it is trying to maximize its need to feel secure, and its need of oxytocin (the love hormone). Now, there are various ways to feel secure and loved. I could just call up folks in the states and it will all just vanish.. but given its stubborness (which btw is borderline stupid), it wants what it wants and which to no one’s surprise it can’t get. Add to it the tightly connected right and left parts of my (female) brain (another learning from the course), each disjoint event is being connected (things done today, done yesterday, a week before, 2 months before, a year ago), every environmental parameter (holiday season, everyone is on leave, people plan trips with their loved ones) is being added and voila, the chamber of inescapable pain is ready!

While I am writing this, another small part of my brain is applying another learning from another course called Inner Theatre: Reflection of Self saying, “You are just using rationalization as a defence mechanism to escape the pain chamber” “Move to the hermit quadrant, do not let events affect you” “Your shadow self is taking control” “Hah! You belong to the love quadrant, what else do you expect!”
Each part is rolling eyes at the other.

Well, to spare you from any more rant, ending this with another learning from another course – managerial communication – “End with a warm sentence” – the only silver lining in all this is that my rational brain is taking full advantage of the dysfunctionality of my emotional brain and concretizing the learnings of all the courses!

Well done, rational brain! Emotional brain, Please give up hoping!

I wish..

I wish you were here.. It’s been 6 months and it is not getting easier..

Every time I got premium chocolates, I used to bring them back home
There was nothing more satisfying than dividing into 3
Yesterday, I got a box full of them.  I opened it and ate
I couldn’t function for an hour.. I wish..

Every time I went to give an exam, I called home to hear you say “Best of luck”
Your “Badhu aavdi Jase” was all the confidence booster that I needed
I believed you.. I don’t call home anymore.. I wish..

Last month, I had gone home
I don’t know how does she stay there
Every moment. was. difficult.
Every instant, I thought that you’ll open the door with all the things I loved.. I wish..

We were not 3 people, We were 1 family.
I know it is not fair to her, but now it just seems like two people.
I am trying, I am, I don’t want to.
I want my family back.. I wish..

There was a reason I wanted to do well, earn money, grow..
I used to think you were half my motivation, It seems you were all of it..
I know it is not fair.. I know I’ll regret this running away..
But, I just can’t stop wishing you were here..

 

The Understanding

I have seen and heard so many people take other people’s shit, allow themselves being treated badly, agree to all the not-so-right constraints put on them. Seen this in all kinds of relations – friends, family, partners, parent-child, everyone.. Most of us have been on one side or the other. For years I judged and blamed the person suffering, blaming them(myself included) for not knowing their worth, blaming them for allowing themselves to be treated badly, blaming them for being selectively weak; but as the years pass I have come to realize that it is the person’s need for love, that desperate need for affection, it is that which hopes and keeps on saying, ‘just one more time’, ‘ohh they dont mean it’, ‘it is just this one thing, otherwise s/he is perfect’, ‘i can make that compromise for him/her/them’. After seeing so much of it, it suddenly becomes ok.. it becomes something that is just human, not right, not wrong, just human. And contrary to what I used to think, I see that it is a matter of immense strength – to swallow the pride and allow the self degradation.. for those selective people.. I also see that it does not mean that the other set of people are evil people, they just don’t hold the first set that dear, or even if they do, they subconsciously know that they can get away with anything, and still continue getting that importance and affection, or at times it is just fear, fear without any merit, fear of losing that privilege, that importance, that person – not right, not wrong – just human.

I have finally started to see and accept ‘The greys’!

A part of me..

A part of me burned the bridge today,
The bridge that has been the centre of life since some years now;
A part of me begged, cried, revolted, and struggled,
To save the days, months and years of sheer affection;
A part of me died today.

A part of me stood there, watching, impassively,
The moving wheel of time crushing the plant I nurtured;
A part of me made me re-live, each and every moment,
Of lies, betrayal, apathy and egocentrism;
A part of me killed a part of me today.

Blackout poetry!

Scars

It had been months since she had first woken up because of her dreams.

She had always had peaceful sleep, however little, it was peaceful, no dreams, no anxiety. But months ago she had started having dreams.. Dreams from which she woke up completely anxious, not knowing what to do; in pain. She had gone through the usual process of going to pieces and putting herself back. It took some time but the dreams had stopped, she had overcome the hollow in her stomach and had her walls back in place.

So today, suddenly when she woke up from her sleep, all anxious, all in pain, she realized, some scars run deeper, some scars continue bleeding long after they have given the false illusion of having healed. It was all too familiar.. the pain, the anxiety.. However, one thing had changed.. She now knew, she knew what was to be done..

She waited, waited for it to pass!

A lost rebellion!

Feminism. I have never been a feminist (from what I make of the word). I have always believed that men and women are not equal. They are made different for a purpose.. That neither is superior than the other. Each one has it’s own purpose. Like doing heavy physical work is more difficult for women, raising a child or caring for another is done best by a lady. So two days ago when he said he doesn’t want to be in any relationship with anyone it sounded absurd. Why would someone not want that feeling, that experience. It didn’t make sense. Maybe there was some reason he didn’t want to share. Little did I know then that two days later I would be echoing the same words. That I would have the realization that there are some battles you are bound to lose. Battles against your loved ones. When you are screaming inside and partially outside because it is wrong, when decades old thinking decide how you have to live your life, when you cannot do/say anything for the fear that age might take it’s toll.. When it suddenly strikes you that it is the same everywhere, everyone thinks the same way at the end of the day. That it is no less than a crime being an independent girl. A girl who has her own definition of right and wrong. To be an ideal girl one should not forget what society expects from her. A good girl even after 27 years is expected to follow the instructions given to her. It becomes clear, crystal clear. That it is not only about the past 27 years but about her whole life. First her parents, then her husband. There is no identity, there was no right to the “I”. It was just an illusion.. There will never be the same respect or trust..It will be nothing more than getting out of one well and voluntarily jumping into another..

It makes perfect sense now.. It is a choice, between having that ‘I’ and losing it everyday for the ‘we’.

Reality!

A hollow in the pit of stomach,
It is getting real, it is getting real!

To the depths from the peak in fraction of seconds,
It is getting worse, it is getting worse!

Tons of friends and loved ones around,
It is getting lonlier, it is getting lonlier!

There are screams inside, words are hard to come by,
It is getting scarier, it is getting scarier!

Hands of help are being extended, wish could grab a finger,
It is drowning, It is drowning!

The Breaking

“It seems like a forced conversation”
“Ohh, i dunno!”

“It feels like you chose her over me”
“Ohh, is it!”

“It’s like all that matters is him”
“Ohh, ofcourse, i love him!”

The walls are breaking down, the strength is seeping away,
The facade of non-chalance is tearing up, the self-esteem is dying,
The mind is cluttered, the heart is in chaos,

The silence is broken.

Self-pity, worthlessness, self-disgust and insanity have become more than just words,
The logical part is crawling the world for a solution,
New resolutions of being strong are made and broken every day,
Efforts have to be made to love oneself.

That’s how the breaking happens,
That’s when your core beliefs are put to test,
That’s the place from where coming back is the most difficult,
That’s the time the brain says, “At the end, it’s only you, I told you so!”

Kindness!

Veintinueve de noviembre de dos mil diecisies,

Aristotle, in Book II of his “Rhetoric“, defines kindness as being “helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped”

Though a believer of  Ayn Rand’s philosophy of “No one does anything for anyone else. Every action of each human being is for his/her own benefit, be it materialistic or be it for the inner self.”, a direct contradiction of the above definition, there are times when I have felt kindness from the people around. So, i’ll just modify the definition of kindness (slightly), to “helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for any materialistic or major advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped.”

Kindness is not just helping the poor, or giving away money. Kindness is being the fittest of the group, but “choosing” to walk with the last person in the line. Kindness is about not making the other person feel helped. Kindness is giving a smile, asking “Are you okay?” to a random person on a public transport who has her eyes moist. Kindness is about not making the other person feel guilty about his/her mistake when you know she is already giving herself a hard time for it.

They say love is the all encompassing, love is the all sufficient, love is the most priced.. But love is also the one that gives the most pain (Though the point of love which gives pain is moot). Kindness, on the other hand, is never painful, kindness is the all-healing.

Be Kind. Be kind to a person who is shouting for no reason, you just don’t know the real reason. Be kind to a person who is unconventionally silent, there is a hurricane going on inside. Be kind to the one who has lost a dear one, there is absolutely nothing else that can relieve the pain. Be kind to the person who displays immense strength, there is a mountain of struggles s/he is trying to overcome on his/her own. Be kind, for you don’t know when your little act of kindness can be the last strand of strength they are hanging on!

To the people, who have showed kindness during the not so good times. Wish I could be as kind someday.